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08:11am 27/07/2006
mood: awake
Heading home again. Thank god. I was back three weeks ago, the visit did nothing but wet my appetite for travel, home, art and adventure. A particular event sent me cascading along with a waterfall of inspiration and literary indulgence, and it feels SO FUCKING GOOD. Since I've been back, I have devoured Sex Drugs and CoCoa Puffs, and Killing Yourself To Live by Chuck Klosterman, How To Be Good by Nick Hornby, Choke by Chuck Palhinuck, and I'm a little more than half way through One Hundred Years of Solitude, and I've been writing more than i have in years. At this rate, i figure i'll probably lose my mind sometime next month and become the reclusive, insane writer i've alwas kind of wanted to be anyway. Anyway, this weekend is going to be incredible. I have concrete plans with three of my very favorite people in the world, one of whom has the shocking and complete ability to reach directly into my soul and pull out pure crystals of art. Brilliance!

We (bryan and i) are moving. Our house is too big and too expensive. I found us a beautiful little place just up the street, newer and nicer than this one, slightly smaller and cheaper. HOORAY BEER!!

It's time to leave for work. I am now a REPORTER for a REAL NEWSPAPER called The Beaufort Observer. Dreams are coming true, worlds are colliding, I am smiling.

Love and candy covered dreams,
I just realized something terribly depressing.   
10:08pm 14/07/2006
mood: annoyed
I looked at the clock, it's 10. I thought, shit, it's getting late. Suddenly i realized- "late" means that by the time i get off my ass and across town, barnes and noble will be closed and i don't get to buy a new book till tomorrow.

late used to be synonymous with "really fucking early," as in "shit, the sun's coming up, it's getting late."

I think i've reached a point in my nerdy pathetic-ness that the answer is jumping off the tar river bridge (which is only a few feet above the water and will only result in me getting wet and muddy, but it could, quite possibly, be an adventure)

p.s. i've experienced a similar phenomenon with money. "broke" used to mean that i had to count change to get a dollar menu cheese burger after school. Now i have several hundred in the bank and am still, inexplicably, "broke."
08:38pm 14/07/2006
mood: calm
Sometimes i am amazed at my own fragility
06:15pm 12/07/2006
mood: crushed
I deserve this. Who am i to assume i can (to use the most hideously overused, and yet perfectly descriptive figure of speech) have my cake and eat it too?
03:53pm 11/07/2006
mood: anxious
I sit here, waiting for 126 messages in my inbox to turn into 127, with a particular message from a particular someone, and i wonder if this very tangible physical tingling is complete, wild, and burning anticipation, or just too many cigarettes. Today, self actualization lies in message 127, and tomorrow, after my many-hours-orchistrated reply, it will lie in mesage 128 (assuming a particular, and rediculous notion that i will not recieve fifteen junk mail messages between now and then). I need too take a nap, take vitamin C, fill my prescription, get a manicure, lose five to ten pounds, get seirous about school, pack, clean my house, move, run a marathon, and finish this book that i just started and is now burrowing itself in the most beautifully convoluted nooks and crannies of my brain.

Love and disgusting, wicked anticipation
10:55am 23/08/2005
mood: cheerful
Here I am at my new house. Bryan and i have lived here for a week or so... or something like that, lauren should be here by the end of the week. I love it here. i have a nice neighbor with a sweet black lab, the neighbor is Walker and the lab is Bailey, i'm a fan. I have this theory that my yard is a portal to one of the circles of hell, picture this: cockroaches big enough to drive off in my car, big fat nasty slugs leaving slime trails all over my driveway (why is it so much cuter when they have shells and you can call them snails?) spider crickets, funnel web spiders in the windows and the garden, jumping and wolf spiders running all over and baby snakes in the grass.... pretty gruesome huh? Oh well, i'll live. The incidents of cockroaches in the house are growing fewer and far between (bryan kills them for me, i just scream and run out of the room, i'm such a girl sometimes) We have ants in the kitchen but never more than a couple at a time and we put out ant traps just yesterday so we'll see how that goes. In other news, I registered for classes the other day. I'm taking biology (again... fuck) math 1050, which is the most basic math you can take for the gen ed requirement, not that i'm bad at math, but if i'm going to be doing bussy work i may as well be doing shit that's easy enough to do as i watch tv, ya dig? Hmm, what else am i taking? Oh yea, Art for non art majors at the suggestion of my advisor, easy A aparently and he's heard from all his advisees that it's fun. Am also taking Health (again... fuck fuck) as well as Intro to Poetry Writing, which should be at least somewhat interesting and if not, at the very least it'll force me to write from time to time which is completely necessary at this point of complete uninspiration in my life. So, we'll see how all that goes. This new house should be a good enviornment for me to work hard and get good grades, for no other reason than i'm living with two people who love me and have absolutely no qualms about kicking my ass on a regular basis if i dont do my work and go to class. I love them too.
Have to get ready for work now.

Love and busy busy busy life,
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10:39pm 29/07/2005
mood: tired
Got the keys to my first house today.
Moving in with Bryan and Lauren.
There are cockroaches everywhere, but mom and dad have spray that aparently gets rid of them and keeps them away, so we're going to take care of it before Lauren gets here... something tells me she wouldnt be too thrilled by our six legged roommates.
Our landlord sucks ass, the yard isnt mowed and the place looks kinda dirty, but he seems like a nice enough guy, so oh well.
Ryan's coming to visit in a little over a week, i'm excited cause i miss him, but i hope he and bryan get along, cause that could be bad times.
Lauren should be moving in in a little over two weeks, I CANT WAIT.
Watching American Beauty with Bryan, i love this movie.
Havent registered for classes... whoops, i'd better get on that.
Its sleepy time.

Love and random shit going on in my life that doesnt really fit in paragraph form,
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"London attacked" "At least 40 killed and 360 injured" "three subway blasts and one bus blast"   
12:19pm 07/07/2005
mood: morose
I am so fucking sick of this fucked up world. How, how can people be so completely evil? I'm crushed and my faith and idealism are wavering. I'm worried about my friends, terrified in fact, and i hurt, i feel sick, and on the verge of tears. What can we possibly do?

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...

Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.
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10:18pm 06/07/2005
mood: amused
02:39am 07/06/2005
mood: relaxed
My recent, horrifying, struggle with the possibility of parenthood (and the conclusion that, thank god, that isnt happening for quite a long time) has brought me to a few great realizations. I do love bryan. I love him and i want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know that we have only known each other for a little less than two years, and we've only been serious for four months, but i do. He is the most wonderful, sensitive, supportive man i have ever met. When we thought i might be pregnant, when i was on edge and crazy and out right mean, when we sat there for three agonizing minutes waiting for the test to come out, and when i finally got my period and went even crazier he was there for me one hundred percent. I didnt know why i was so emotional even after i knew everything could go back to normal, it was him who figured out that, in my mind, my entire life had changed, and then suddenly changed back, and that was why i felt so out of controll. He is sweeter to me than anyone has ever been, and i have never been so happy. I've never been able to so completely give myself to anyone. I make him tea, i give him the last chicken nuggett, i dont even consider the fact that i may never be with another guy to be a negative.
The other realization is that i really want to have kids some day. Even though i was completely terrified at the prospect of having a kid at 19, i knew things would be ok, because bryan will be an amazing father. I even found myself letting my hand fall to my stomach and smiling ever so slighty. it's a scary prospect, but still...

Love and Sopranos,
only cause it's so true   
11:57pm 24/05/2005
mood: sleepy
You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.


Cultural Creative
















What is Your World View? (updated)
created with QuizFarm.com
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12:20pm 12/04/2005
mood: cynical
Ok, you guys know i have a tendancy to go a little crazy when it comes to relationships. That's no suprise, right? Well, as much as i've been gushing about bryan, we've been serious for over two months now (considering my track record of late, as far as my insanity is concerned, that's pretty good) but the honor crazyness may be is setting in, to a very slight extent. I dont want it to, i really dont, i adore him. I dont know why, but i've been picking fights (he never rises to it tho, and even that pisses me off) getting pissy for no reason, looking for hidden motives, questioning my love for him, questioning love in general... i dunno, maybe i'm just scared. He's an amazing guy, he's sweet and kind and wonderful, but he does look bad on paper... but i dont think that's a problem for me, cause if it were i dont think things would have made it this far. I'll be homeless after augst, i've thrown my life to the wayside to be with him, we spend every free minute together, i havent even signed up for classes for summer or fall. I'm going nuts, what if things dont work out, what if he leaves? where will my life be after that? I can count on one hand the number of real life true loves i know of that have worked out, so who's to say mine will? if i love him that is. i say "i love you" i believe that i love him, but what do i know? I'm only 19. I mean, i am old for my age, but i still dont know shit.
because i'm bored   
03:24am 28/03/2005
mood: high
only a few people read this these days, cause i barely update anymore, and when i do it's me gushing about bryan, but what can i say, i stole this from Rochelle's LJ cause i thought it was cute:

"If you read this,
even if I don't speak to you often,
you must post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad,
just so long as it happened.
Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you!"
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02:43am 18/03/2005
mood: chipper
it's 61 degrees here, in floridam at almost 3am. in greenville, it's 37. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I cant even imagine how cold it must be in good ole MD. =0D YAY for spring break.
love and sunny days,

p.s. I got my hair cut off and layered and streaked with red. pictures coming soon.
p.p.s. I miss Bryan
04:06am 04/03/2005
mood: calm
I cant sleep, so i opened my window and lit a cigarette. A quick glance outside and the beautiful crescent moon caught my eye. It's so perfect i almost expected it to smile and give me a wink. Glowing over my apartment complex just for me, and all that comes to mind is Bryan. One more day and then Lauren's flight arrives and we'll leave for Wilmington and i'll have two of my greatest loves by my side. Then off to sunny florida on the 12th to be with my brother for a week. then stubby comes to greenville for a week. Then the first weekend in April my Erin will be here. By then the new house on the water will be finished enough for my parents to move in and a future of barbeque's and sailboats and sunsets on the palmico sound stretches out in front of me. And last, but not at all least, after this weekend Bryan moves back to Greenville... for me. So, to sum up: One more day and i will be surrounded by the people i love the most in the world. Despite all the grim and dark shadowy thoughts residing in the corners of my mind, i am happy, so happy, and i have so many people to thank.

love and blessings,
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09:29pm 02/03/2005
mood: thankful
This is it. This is the feeling i've chased and imagined and hoped for all this time. And all those fabricated emotions seem completely unnecessary, and i've never been so comfortable with my past. I miss him like i miss the stars on a cloudy night. I feel as if i will burst into a thousand particles of love if i dont see him immediately, my mind careseses every memory of his eyes and his words and his love, and i know he will be back soon, and back for good. He's moving back to greenville to be with me. We're moving in together this summer. He told me i have the face of an angel and he wants to love me forever. He told me he'd do anything for me. He says "I love you" without doubt or reservation, as do i. Nothing has ever felt so real. This is it, this is love. Nothing could be better, and it feels like a beautiful dream.
09:09pm 16/02/2005
mood: indescribable
I wish i could describe how i feel right now, but it would require a litany of every beautiful moment of the last two weeks, every sunset, every breeze, every breath, every mile, every sigh, every crashing wave, every word, every embrace, it's exhausting just to let it flow over me, and far too much to write down, but suffice to say, i am so, completely, happy.
03:48pm 14/02/2005
mood: loved
he brought me a rose for valentines day, could i be more happy?
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06:06am 31/01/2005
mood: restless
Wow, havent updated in forever, my bad.

Hmm, what to say? Hooked on Bryan... very hooked, noone else on the horizon and that feels ok. I've been goin out to wilmington as often as possible, having awesome weekends smoking ganja and watching football and drinking beer and.... well, you know (insert mischievous giggle here)He gives me this warm happy feeling which is sappy and gross and i love it. He doesnt make me feel bad about my self, and when im with him i dont second guess every little thing i say and do (::cough cough::brennan::cough::)

I told austin tonight that i will never date him in an attempt to get him to move on and find someone else, but manage to only succeed in ripping his heart out and jumping up and down on it for a while. He doesnt think he can handle being just friends, i wont be seeing much of him anymore. I wish i could feel for him the way he feels for me.

School blows, i hate it and want to drop out and never come back.... yep

My parents live in Belhaven now, it's only an hour away from here which means i see them ALL the time, which is nice, but it doesnt quite allow for the freedom i had last year, and is starting to make me a little crazy.

Am starting to think that nobody from back home actually wants to visit me here. I admit that it's a shitty little town and dont really expect anyone to want to come here, but.... i dunno, i like to think i can show my friends a good time. I miss them like crazy. and i was just back in maryland at the beginning of jan. it's their turn man!

Hanging out with the boys upstairs almost nightly. am now friends with their friends as well. very good times and cool people, but i dont get much sleep as a result.

Have i mentioned that i'm completely and utterly crazy about bryan and i cant get him out of my mind? ARGH I blame the rapid approach of valentines day.

It's 6:30 am, i havent been to bed yet, and i'm not even tired. I have utterly fucked up my sleep schedule.

Because i so often sleep well into the daylight hours and my blinds dont work for shit, i've created a work of "art" to cover my windows, i'm stacking and gluing together caffene free Diet Coke cans, which (when enough have been collected to completely cover the window) i'm going to spray paint till they're all perdy and whatnot and then it's bye bye crappy window that lets all the light in, and hello cool looking thing on my wall. lol.

ok, i've officially started babbling, time for bed whether i like it or not!

Love and drug induced slumber,

p.s. i still sleep in brennan's t-shirt. but just cause it's really soft and fits me just right... that's not wrong, is it?
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11:15pm 25/11/2004
mood: restless
well it's thanksgiving. Today was a beautiful day, the sky was blue and it was so warm that I was just wearing jeans and a tanktop. Bryan came to town and spent the night last night and that too was beautiful. We walked my dog together and watched boondocks saints and laughed and couldnt stop kissing. I woke up to his sweet kisses and warm embrace in the fuzzy exhaustion of early morning. I miss him, i wish he still lived in Greenville. I feel like i could really be with him, if it werent for the distance thing. My feelings for him get stronger every time i'm with him. great conversation, so much in common, great sex...

But anyway, it's Thanksgiving. Everybody's left Greenville and gone home. I, unfortunately, dont really have a home at the moment. I mean, i have my apartment, but it's really just where i live, ya know? The house in which i grew up was sold as soon as i graduated from highschool. My parents florida house was just starting to become a home and now that's sold too. Now mom and dad are renting a little one bedroom house in Belhaven until their new house is built. I'm excited about the new place, it's gonna be big and on the water and way out in the country, it'll be nice.

Hmm... i miss bein a kid. Things are friggin complecated man.
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